How to stop the manipulation and rebuild the parent-teen relationship. By Lisa Zamosky
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

If there’s one thing you can say for teenagers, it’s that they know how to push their parents’ buttons. Instinctively, it seems, they come with an arsenal of tools to get what they want, avoid getting into trouble, or cause their parents to blow a fuse out of frustration… for the pure enjoyment of it.

The teen years can be quite challenging for kids and parents alike. We talked with experts to learn about the six most common ways teenagers play their parents, why they do it, and what moms and dads can do to counteract the manipulation and keep the peace.

Understand the Motivation

Kids manipulate their parents for a number of reasons: to garner love and attention, to cover their butts, to get what they want, and to feel powerful, says David Swanson, PsyD, a child and family psychologist practicing in Los Angeles and the author of HELP-My Kid is Driving Me Crazy, The 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents and What You Can Do About It. It’s in a teen’s nature to figure out the consequences of their actions and to try different things to see what kind of response they get.

Oh, and there’s one more reason: It works! Although often unaware of it, parents frequently set up reinforcements that don’t work for them, inviting behaviors that fuel many teen/parent conflicts, says Joshua Klapow, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the School of Public Health at the University of Alabama in Birmingham.

1. Steamrolling

Perhaps the most common form of manipulation teenagers employ is steam rolling. Steam rolling can most simply be defined as: Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? How about now? It’s the never- ending, repeat request intended (even if unconsciously) to wear a parent down in order for a teen to get what she or he wants.

Fight fire with fire, suggests Stacy Kaiser, psychotherapist, author of How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and mother of two teenage daughters.

“Think about what your bottom line is and develop a ‘broken record’ sentence,” Kaiser says. If your teen wants to hang out in the mall with friends, for example, but he hasn’t yet finished his homework, your mantra is simply, “You must do your homework before you go to the mall.” No further discussion is necessary (or advised).

Keep replying with the same sentence and become a broken record. That makes it much more difficult for your teen to knock you off your feet, Kaiser says.

Swanson also offers the “watch method.” Here’s the script: “When I give you your answer if you keep asking me, I’m going to let you know that you’re steamrolling me and if you keep going, I’m going to look at my watch. For every minute you continue to do it after I told you you’re steamrolling, it’s going to be two minutes of earlier bed or video time chipped away.”

Once you’ve explained the ground rules, merely take a 10 second glance at your watch. Your teen will know you mean business. “That’s when the steamrolling stops working against you and starts working against your child,” Swanson says.

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 Post in Health, Teenagers